|Even though this is nominally written about me, I refuse to take
any responsibility for writing this silliness. I'm just posting it
because the author wants to remain anonymous. If you can guess who
wrote this... well, you can get an official Hawk no-prize. Not that
you'd know you got one, though, 'cause I'm not squealing on the
author even if you're right! *grin* The only place that this is
archived (that I know of) is Lori McDonald's webpage at
http://web2.spydernet.com/lori/index.htm. If anyone else wants to
archive this, ask me and I'll pass the request on. I'll have to hunt
you down if you archive this without permission, though.
If you have any comments about this, please send them to me. I'll make sure the author gets them.
"LOVE makes you want to stab people? That isn't love. That's brain damage. Though I do understand your confusion between the two, some days..." http://www.blarg.net/~hawk/fanfic.html - acff FAQ and Where Can I Find Comic Fan-Fiction on the WWW? FAQ
Book of Hawk
"And lo, did the many gather and write The Book of the Hawk--"
"And it was silly"
"Okay, so it's silly." "Problem?? ;]"
"Silly is good..."
So is Silly Putty, especially when manipulated with prehensile toes.
"One might even venture to suggest it was a specialty..."
"Silliness, that is, as opposed to Silly Putty manipulation." "Are you _quite_ done?"
:guilty looks all around:
(chorus)"Yes, Mommy." In the beginning, there was Hawk, and she was good.
Depending on just how one defines `good`...
Actually, in the beginning there was Hawk, and she was god. (...to some.)
And to others she was "Hey, you!"
And even as the Hawk gathereth those she saw as "Good", likewise she tooketh the dust of the internet and the scum of the earth. On her page she archived them, both the Good and the Bad, giving all readers the right to Choose.
And so Hawk was the keeper of the sacred Archive and it was very good.
"Althought it was constantly hit, which must have hurt" Hawk also suffered from allergies, which led to much *sniff*ing, and in one mighty *sniff*, she begat the FAQ, and there was much rejoicing... "Um... sneeze might be good too. And in one mighty sneeze, blew the FAQ from her brain..." "I will not comment... I will not comment... " "Mmmmrrrrrpppphhhh..."
Yet, there came an evil force, named BOB, whose name means "He Who Has His Head Way Up His Ass," but not in english."
Not to be confused with BOB of Microsoft, whose name means "We Can Charge Whatever We Want For This Crap And Get Away With It!". Unfortunately for True Believers, it can be difficult to distinguish between the two. Or BOB of Vila, who's name means "I'm About as Useful as Tim Taylor When it Comes to Building Houses Cuz I Have Norm to do All the Work."
And so Hawk began to gather her soldiers of Good.
*ahem* wouldn't it be more politically correct to say "peacekeepers"?
"'Good' being relative..."
"And relatives _never_ being good..."
"Unless they give you money, which is _always_ good..."
"Or presents which, unfortunately, are only sometimes good."
"Oh... the `Inferno' trade paperback... how can I ever thank you?"
"But even when they are good, they require thank you notes, which are never good. Or written, in my case. *sheepish look*" And Hawk begat Susan And Susan begat Lori And Lori begat Darqstar And Darqstar begat Paige and =bum And Paige and =bum begat Phil And Phil begat David And David begat Me And Me begat Martha And Martha begat (and Cat) And (and Cat) begat everyone else in a HUGE litter so as not to have to type all that silliness out on the screen...
"Great. First it was the reindeer incident, now I'm reduced to litter?"
"Hey! No littering!"
And it was good.
Except for that cherry incident. "Lo, which Darqstar tried to keep out of, cause Cherries give her a rash, despite the fact that she loves them so."
And that minor meteor mishap back in the 80's involving Hershey's Syrup, lime jello and llamas--which we don't talk about anymore. During this time, there cameth an Abyss, and from this Abyss came mighty humor and silliness and the Hawk saw this Abyss and said "Lo, this is a fiesty one!"
"Fietsy? Did you just call me _fiesty_?!?"
...and the Abyss was a brave writer and wrotest humor the likes of which no one had seeneth before. And lo, Abyss did come forth And he didst smite those who dared spam in Hawk's domain...
And left the rest of us to clean up after him.
"Okay, whose, turn was it to clean up after Abyss, hmmmm...?"
"Wasn't me." "
I did it last time."
"Now what did I tell you about pyrokinetically setting peoples' pants on fire, hmmmm...? Behave, children. Mom walks softly and carries a large DELETE button."
"(chorus) Yes, ma'am......"
And let none say smiting with one's toes is easy, For it is not...
And let none say that cleaning up toe-smitten spam is easy, for it is not.
And there came a cat, who ate all the spam, and there was much rejoicing.
Now, amongeth the fan fiction, there wast the story known as "Mharie" which meaneth "The story that containeth wild and rampet sex and a word of great difficulty to spelleth".
And man, was there _ever_ rejoicing.
And Lo, BOB gathered his soldiers...
Who were many, but were also small, green, and plastic.
And highly susceptible to TIC's Bics.
Now available by mail-order, just send a cheque for $19.99, payable to the 'Send Abyss back to Australia' fund.
And highly susceptible to melting in the sun.
"Or in the microwave." "
So it WAS you who set the house on fire!"
Lobdell, meaning "Loser" "And also means, he who thinks he's a comedian but actually comes across like an oily little creep" And Lobdell begat Liefield "Liefeld, meaning he who knows only to draw three facial expressions, all of which involve open mouths..."
Strangely reminiscent of an inflatable lovedoll of his acquaitance.
And Liefield begat Image, then Image threw his ass out.... "Becase the great McFairlan had enough of his constant whine with no cheese to share..." And in annoyance, Liefield begat everyone else in a HUGE litter, even though he was male, and not feline.
And everyone went "Owwwwwwwwwie." in sympathy.
"Except for Mrs.Marvel, who giggled."
"And Abyss, who crossed his legs and had another beer..."
And the Forces of Evil gathered their four-color Gods and waved them at TIC in hopes that there would be some rather nasty paper-cuts.
But the great Hawk raked her talons into the four-color gods and shredded them, for she is a Hawk, and Hawks are fond of raking with their talons.
And the forces of evil did flee, screaming "Run away! Run away!!"
And The Avatars of Good laughed,
...took one down, passed it around, leaving 98 bottles of beer on the wall...
*Fsst* *GlugGlugGlug* "Urp...ummm, 97... sorry... couldn't help it."
"Hey, that was our last Pint a' Scrumpy!"
and waved 32 MILLION-color .jpgs at theEvil, and the Evil was quite embarassed for a couple of panels, and hid.
Until their cousin Ernie kicked them out.
Cuz cousin Bert was coming over with some new toys that required batteries.
And Lori came down from the mountain with her wonderful selection of both erotic and non erotic pictures, found in her kingdom and the comic codes shuddered in horror...
(But borrowed a few for later, private viewing and thus came down with chapped hands.) And Lo, Lori sniggered, then wondered if it was the profusion of naked women (and a few men) on her page that made the Commonwealth Network look at her and say "You gotta be kidding!!!" And yes the Good and Mighty has Perri of Smith and the mighty if somewhat personality confused duo of Todd/and or Valerie. There was also Kielle, who had tamed the wild steed CFAN. And Lady Lis, who name means "Remy is mine, Rogue! Hands off!" And in a Cafe somewhere in New Orleans, Remy did shake his head and wonder what he ever did to deserve all this attention...
"Must be my oooouuuutrageeeous accent... or it could be that new Frederick's of Hollywood thong body armor with the peephole bra.",
And Remy ordered another bottle of wine.
And thus tears fell from Rogue's face.. for she feared she might be stuck with the The Wienie formerly known as Magneto.
"Also known as Joseph, Eric, Magnus, JoeNeato, MagSeph, Al, Whitey and Bubba the Love Sponge..."
And there was also the Lady Amethyst and Dawn of Bobby, High Priestess of VIC. But the creatures of the Night sought them, so they left. And Dawn of Bobby formed the Uncanny X-Girls Club. And then came the horrid creature known as Retcon. And after Retcon came Angst. And after Angst came the creature know as HowBigCanWeMakeTheWomen'sBreastsAnd StillBeApprovedByTheComicsCode And after HowBigCanWeMakeTheWomen'sBreastAnd StillBeApprovedByTheComicsCode came butt floss, and lo, all but those who have an IQ under 50 and a tendency to drool whilst they read did despair. Which never noticed for they were so busy still studying the erotic pictures from Lori's kingdom of very talented artists... And Lori, having forgotten that minor detail, decides it would be wise to continue doing so and slinks off. And the despair did increase when there came the vile creations known as dangling plot line, gaping continuity hole, inconsistent characterization, and 'blatant disregard for what has gone before' Which is not the same as the 'blatant disgregrad for what will come latter'.
Though it could be considered the same thing, only different.
Especially since it will all come again, especially in the reprints.
Nor is it to be confused with "blatant disregard for what is currently happening in other books being written at the same time. And Lori looked at the program she's got which shows what page is being loaded off her machine yet not who is doing the loading (damn, there go my blackmail points) and saw that every one had the word "Erotic" in the URL And wondered what the hell she got herself into...
And somewhere in Fanboyland, there was much rejoicing.
And in the kingdom of Good there was Hank of McCoy. "And, ye, there was much rejoicing "And much shedding."
And even more calling of the plumber to unclog the drain. And Storm was wroth, for it was her turn to vacuum, and she did call forth a mighty wind, which doth pluck Hank up and send him away....
And Hank did land in a certain dimension, and Sue was most pleased "An lo, Mary and Darqstar were pissed." "Uh-oh." "And lo, the Followers of the Hawk did have a small spat..." <thud><bap!><thwapt>
And then Mary gained transdimension abilities by saving twenty proofs of purchase from General Mills cereals and took Hank to her house. And then she felt guily for being so greedy so she allowed Sue to have Hank Mondays and Wednesdays while Darqstar had him Tuesdays and Thursdays and the rest of the time she had him to herself.
And lo, did Hank of McCoy hear this and spake: "Oh, my stars and garters! This is ^Revenge of the Shower Rod^ all over again!"
And BOB saw Hank and envied him,
For it is known that BOB never gets any...
"Then how do you explain the triplets his wife recently had?"
"Do you _really_ want to know?"
"When you put it that way...no."
So he sent the Harpy Trish to tempt Hank of McCoy to the Darkside.
*Darth Vader voice* "Come to the Dark Side, Hank. Join me and together we will overthrow STAN and rule Marvel comics together."
*Beast* "I'll never join you, you pustulated capitalistic wouldn'tknowagoodstoryifitgougedyoureyesout madman!"
But she was not his father, so it was not cannon...
And she had neither lightsaber nor The Force, and was generaly useless. And lo, the brave Lady Susan and Lady Darqstar saw this.
"And were violently sick"
"But at least did not puke spam to cover the Kingdom of ACFF."
"For dealing with spam is Abyss' job, and he has enough to keep track of..."
And Lady Susan created Cassie to fight the evil Harpy Trish and smite her. And Lady Darqstar created Sikudhani of McCoy, who joined the Clan of McCoy and kept evil away.
"And to teach Uncle Pocket-Lips to lighten up and play Chutes and Ladders..."
"And make Unca Bishop wear a dress."
"And to teach Uncle Sinny that breakfast cereal really can be "magically delicious!"." And Sinister doth sigh mightyly and resolve to haveth that laser surgery after all.
And so BOB did go hide for a few more panels, for he was mightaly shamed. "For he truly saw himself, not as the great God he pictured, but as the snake that would destroy..." And BOB's attack of conscience did last all of thirty seconds... Which is about how long he can hold onto any thought, that doth not directly involve money.
Or his ****.
And Hawk saw this and was pleased. "What, she his ****? And she was _pleased_ about this?"
"Well, the holy Talons needed sharpening."
"Forget I asked."
And there was much rejoicing, and sacrificing of flamers. In the second year, Abyss was sought by Sinister and Apocalypse, who were angry because he made fun of their names. And ye, did the Mostly-Good rise up as one and attempt to 'rescue' the Avatar of Hawk. Except for those of use who couldn't get ACFF at the time. *&^& "For lo, she REALLY woulda made Abyss suffer.:)" "Or at least she would like to think so, for Abyss hath been tormented by professionals." "With whips and chains."
"And loved every minute of it."
"And lo, she points out to the mighty Abyss that he hasn't read Professor X and the X-Babes and seen what she did to Hank"
"And yea, Abyss did point out that STILL didn't compare to the roto-rooter incident..."
"And lo, can we get back on topic now?"
"Wasn't me, it was her!"
"Was NOT ."
"Shut up, I'm arguing with Abyss."
And ye, did other followers succumb to the dark side, and tease the Avatar. And although the forces of evil were mighty, Abyss evoked the power of Frosted Lucky Charms and Sinny and Poccy ran screaming into the Night. "And there was much rejoicing."
And Sinny wound up in court being sued by the owners of Frosted Lucky Charms for trademark infringement, as did Poccy by the lead singer of the Rolling Stones.
"Although they both got a contract with Maybelline out of the whole thing." Then Abyss and his prehensile toes went to Australia.
"And the rejoicing ceased."
And the Followers of the Hawk sang silly songs, and danced silly dances to keep the Avatar alive. "Hey, it works with the sun!" And ye, did the followers rejoice as the Avatar sent messages of hope from afar.
> "Oh, man, that is the absolute last time i ever eat four big macs > at one sitting... oh... hell..." >
And even there the Avatar managed to upset the forces of Evil... >
"Your sarcasm is startingtobother me Abyss, and bothering >TheSugarMan is never a wise thing to do." >
"Ummmm, thats not a REAL black-and-decker 'wet&dry' >handy-vac, is it?' >
'It is indeed.' >
'I'll shuddup now.' > >
*BOOM* > >
'That won't be necessary, sir!' >
'You, waddayou think yourdoing?' >
'I'm being saved by a bad ass butler with a really big gun? How > humiliating.'
Truly he was an Avatar amoung cultists "And Abyss did blush, for he does his humble best..."
"And ye, the rest of us do wonder when the Avatar was _ever_ humble.." ;)
Got him there...
Yep, got me there...
And ye, did Hawk look upon her Avatar and proclaim. "Whose idea was this again?" Whereupon the might Martha did hide, and the mighty (and cat) did laugh. And Hawk was kind and did not smite her follower immediately, and instead relieved Abyss (the follower fomerly known as Avatar) of his Avatarship, and did bestow her blessing upon the loyal Perri. That she might rise up and speak, for eveyone thought she had passes away.
And ye, Perri was Avatared and Feathered...
And lo, did Martha hide in fear of the wrath of Hawk and Abyss, who seem to be quite pissed about the whole thing. And (and cat) laughed, and napped.
*fripfripfrip* <whap> "MeOWW!"
Then MsMarvel sought to slay the minions of BOB and she wrote "Revenge of The X-Women". And the forces of Darkness were temporarily subdued because everyone was laughing at them.
"And there was much rejoicing"
And then BOB created Flamers.
"By expelling much wind from his rectum."
And there was suffering throughout the land. And The Flamers attacked MsMarvel and the rest of the forces of Good.
Until Lady Marvel ran screaming for Mama and drank Kool-aid. And as this was _electric_ kool-aid...
"And was black cherry flavored!"
...there was much rejoicing. And ye, the great Net Mother (whose name may not be spoken) (Because otherwise she might get blamed for this whole mess...) did sent everyone to bed early because the noise was getting to her...
"And Abyss woun't stop jumpin on my bed and..and.. Ms. Marvel undercooked the pot roast.. and and.. MOOOM!!! You aren't payin' attention to me. I hate bein' the middle kid."
And lo, Mom didst banish everyone because lo, they doth give her an almight pain right between the eyes. :) "Damn kids."
"And David won't share the piano, Hawk has more cereal than I do, why can't I go to Denver with Susan? How come Val gets to play with airplanes and I can't? How come the cat gets to sleep on Martha's bed and not mine?"
"Mom, Ian said a bad word!"
"Maaaaaaaaam! The cat just barfed on my keyboard! And my email won't work MAAAAAM! Are you even listening to me? I swear you just don't understand, I'll just DIE if I have to post like this! MAAAAAAAAM!"
And Mom did *shudder*...
" Okay, that's it! Abyss, get off the bed and stand in the corner! Ms Marvel, take cooking lessons! Everybody stop stealing from everybody else, I'm confiscating the damn cherries and you're all GROUNDED!!!!" *fripfripfrip* <whap>
"Abyss, stop that right now!"
"What, i'm just sitting here like you said?" And Darqstar stayed in the corner playing happily with her Beast doll... wishing thusly that it was the real thing, much to the dismay of her husband... Who immediately stopped shaving and bought blue hair dye and body-paint.
"And ye, did their neighbors worry..."
...until deciding that Darqstar might be on to some hip new trend and encouraged their own spouses to follow suit.
And Darqstar had Remy to deliver jelly beans to her in bed in a bag he carried in his mouth...
...which made those of us with our minds in the gutter wonder until it was pointed out Remy was a cat. "And somewhere in New Orleans, Gambit did grin and say 'Mus' remember ta thank Tante Mattie fer dat metamorph spell.'" And was disappointed, after mophing, to find out that Darqstar's cat was fixed...
And there was much screaming in fangirlland.
And Gambit crossed his legs and ordered another bottle of wine...
"And ye, their minds were romping happily in the gutter..."
"This is _supposed_ to be a _Religious_ Text!"
And Darqstar's poor RemyKitty ran and hid under the bed, for his mistress stared at him a lot now, with a dangerous gleam in her eyes... Meanwhile, back on Muir Isle, Pete Wisdom woke to find that Kitty was missing.....
"As was Piotr."
"And Moira's battery operated..." <whap>
And the Mighty Abyss fought The Flamers and made fun of them from afar. And there was joy in the land again. Which prompted the creation of the TIC themsong and action figures.
"And ye, there was much giggling" ... I don wanna grow up I'm a T.I.C. kid There's a billion different universes That I can play with More planes, More boys More guns, Oh joy! It's the silliest X-group there is I don wanna grow up 'Cause if I did I wouldn't be a T.I.C. kid! *Neon Nurse figure, extra outfits sold seperately. I know! You can light up with Neon colors like those light up X-Men figures. *Hawk's figure would come with a bowl of cherries and when you press on button on her back, the figure would say, "MINE MINE MINE!" with Kung-Fu grip. *Abyss figure, with various prehensible appendages...
:Lady Lis looks up from the Valley of Resumes: "Oh?" (And desperately tries not to think of Tasha's line to Data about being fully functional.......)
"That's not what Tasha said."
...and super-flexible toes, when you press on his butt he goes "BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA", 1 AA battery required.
"And ye, did Toys R Us shudder and lock its doors..."
"But not KayBee."
And then Lori and Darqstar formed fortresses known as FanFic Archives in which they gathered only the most worthy documents of Fanfic. Which meant Ratliff and his kind were forever denied the Kingdom of Hawk.
"And lo, Lori only deleted the whole damn thing once! Which is good, since Lori is a total git." :)
"But such a nice git we're willing to let it go."
"And Lori thanks you and wonders why the hell she's referring to herself in the third person."
"The royal we, perhaps?"
"Or that multiple-personality thing again."
And Hawk saw this, and it was good.
"What, that I'm nuts? Yeesh." And then the X-mas poem was written... "And Hawk sighed and hid its head in its arms"
And moaned "What have I done...? What _have_ I done?" "What you had to do. What you always do. Turn death into a fighting chance for life... ooops! This isn't the Star Trek Fanfic page!" ... 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the big house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse They'd all been evicted from their cozy den When X-Force destroyed the place -- yet again. The weapons were stacked in the armory with care 'Cause Cable and Bish were a paranoid pair. ... And Abyss, who had been elsewhere during x-mas, did read the poem, and laugh himself into a coma, from which he woke with a strange craving for lucky charms. And then came Onslaught, crossovers and limited series. "And ye, Martha (and cat) refused to acknoledge it ever happened." And the Heroes did leave, be reborn, return, get cancelled, cloned, exported, and resurected... From there, things began to get weird.
For BOB was mighty pissed at Hawk and her followers and sent five plagues to their land.
The Plague of de-aged Magneto, who had no memory. The Plague of McCoy, who tried to take the place of Hank of McCoy. The Plague of "Heroes Reborn" The Plague of Mystique and Sabretooth limited series (although it had potential) Which could be said for pretty much the entire Xverse. The Plague of Howard the Duck. Which wasn't all it was quacked up to be...
And the followers of Hawk cowered in terror, until Mice had a vision. The vision of pot roast. And lo, was Lady MsMarvel chosed to cook the sacred meat. "Because she lost the coin toss."
And she served it to the kingdom, who claimed it was undercooked. And lo, was MsMarvel hurt, for she had slaved over a hot stove to prepare it. And the All-Wise Lori said; "Why don't we put it in the microwave?" And there was much rejoicing and drinking of kool-aid.
And since it was _electric_ kool-aid, there was much more rejoicing and visits to the porcelain god.
And the kingdom was safe again.
Until McCoy stole the pot roast because he didn't like the stories written about him.
And because he was jealous of Hank, who hadn't come up for air yet.
"And there was much snickering and cries of "All right, Hank! You GO boy!" Out of all of the fan fiction, the Hawk formed every story of the net and also of the usenet and brought them unto her web home where she laboured in archiving them. She laboreth for Peanuts.
And soon the mighty Hawk spake unto all of her people "Lo, I am not a slave for all of thee! I am free to do whateverest I want" and her web home decreesed in size and greatness until it was only the reviews. The Hawk was exceedingly glad when she realized that her labors had not beeneth in vain, for the writers whom she had gathered grew mighty and formethed a CFAN and other places that were great in size.
"But, as we all know, size doesn't matter."
And ye, there was much rejoicing... And then things got _REALLY_ weird... And it was day and night, and another day passed...
Like sand through the hourglass, for these are the days...
"Of Thunder...." "What?"
"Alright, that is the _last_ time I write Religious Texts in a group!"
"Relgion by commitee, hey, it could work!"
"So where can we post this, and convert the masses?"
"Nowhere, it's got TIC references in it..."
"Damn, there go my plans for world domination. So, anyone else want a pizza?"
"Oh, stop drooling."
"And ye, they did eat of the mana that the good Hawk provided."
"I take it that means you're broke."
"At least I'm not down to 2-minute noodles yet."
"And yea the Hawk was wise in the ways of.. OW! Hey!" <sounds of much bapping>
...and thus ended The Book of the Cult of the Hawk. (for now)