|Thu, 20 Apr 2000
Boob Woman #9: A COLLECTOR'S ITEM!!!
Written by JB. Blame her. Or rather, feedback her at firstname.lastname@example.org -- you'd get better results that way. ;)
For Paul. It's his fault. Feel free to beat him about the head with big, dead, wet fishes.
NOW CELEBRATING HER NINTH ISSUE (WITH NINE DIFFERENT COLLECTOR'S TITLES!!!), IT'S
BOOB WOMAN AND THE STUPID SEVEN!!!!!
It was a warm summer day in the City, when suddenly!!!!!
"BOOB WOMAN! BOOB WOMAN!!!" Teenage Boy cried, running into the BoobRoom. "Come quick!!!! You have to see this!!!"
Boob Woman ran with Teenage Boy, bouncing along until they reached--
TEENAGE BOY'S ROOM!!
Boob Woman gasped, for truly this was a horrible sight to behold!!!! "Teenage Boy!" Boob Woman cried in fright. "There's something green growing on the walls!!!"
Teenage Boy rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. "Not THAT. That's been there for months. THIS!" And he pointed to--
Boob Woman squinted at the screen. "She quickly glances around to make sure no one is within earshot," Boob Woman read. "(footnote 1) She picks up the phone and says, "What's the emergency?" A hysterical voice on the other end cries, "Help! We're trapped in the Old Mill!" Boob Woman drops the phone and dashes to the bathroom. Five minutes later, after the bum that hangs out at the library comes out, she runs inside and changes quickly (holding her nose) into BOOB WOMAN! There is a fanfare from nowhere!"
Boob Woman gasped AGAIN!!!!
"Careful, Boob Woman," Teenage Boy cautioned. "You don't want to hyperventilate like you did last time!"
Boob Woman nodded, then looked back down at the screen. "That's preposterous! There aren't nearly enough exclamation marks!!!!!!"
"I know!" Teenage Boy agreed. "He's besmirching our good name!!!"
"And everyone knows the fanfare comes from the orchestra on high!!!!"
"Right! The Blue Angels!"
"Who is this most dreadful villain?" Boob Woman asked!
"He calls himself . . . The Stealer."
"Yes!!! He steals memo pads!!!"
Boob Woman gasped, and almost took out the monitor with her appendages!!!! "That dire fiend!!!!"
"And look!" Teenage Boy cried, pointing to the screen. "He says he's going to steal all the memo pads in the FBI offices!!!!"
"Oh no!!" Boob Woman gasped. "Not the Fabulously Busted Individuals! We must SAVE THE MEMO PADS!!!!"
And that declared, they jumped in the BoobJet (always parked conveniently close) and flew off to the Stealer's Evil Lair!!!!
"How do you know this is it, Boob Woman?" Teenage Boy asked.
"My Boob Sense starts tingling," Boob Woman answered, adjusting her BoobBra.
"How are you going to land the BoobJet?" Teenage Boy asked, looking worriedly at the houses below, with one office building sporting a large neon sign that declared it had been stolen by the Stealer.
"We aren't," Boob Woman said solemnly. "Come on--I have parachutes!" Boob Woman cried, grabbing Teenage Boy and jumping out of the jet!!!! Part way down, she tore off her bra and hooked it under Teenage Boy's arms, and he floated gently to the ground!!!! Boob Woman bounced off her greatest weapons and landed on her feet!!!!!
"What about the jet?" Teenage Boy asked.
"It looks like those apartment buildings stopped its fall," Boob Woman pointed out.
Teenage Boy sighed, relieved, as he saw the buildings that had, indeed, caught the jet from hitting the freeway.
"Buildings can be replaced," Boob Woman said seriously as they watched the jet explode. "Replacing freeways causes traffic jams, though."
"Ah," Teenage Boy said, and then they bounded inside!!!!!
"STOP, STEALER!" Boob Woman shouted, striking a Heroic Pose!!!
"You can't make me, Boob Woman," the Stealer cackled, picking up another memo pad!!! "I've already succeeded!"
"Oh no!" Boob Woman cried in horror as the Stealer ran toward the back window!!! "Wait! There's my distant cousin, Carry!!!! There! Behind the desk! No, there! Wait--Carry, where are you going??? Grab STEALER!!!! No--Carry--stop hiding!!!!"
Carry shoved the roller chair that was behind the desk hard and---
Rammed it right into Stealer's legs!!!!!!
"PAT!" Carry hissed. "Take off the darn towel and stop that!!!!"
"Carrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy," Stealer said back. "I'm not 'Pat' now! I'm--THE STEALER!!!!!" The room gasped in horror and Stealer struck a pose.
"Pssst," Teenage Boy pssted to Boob Woman, "is he wearing a towel around his neck?"
"Carry?" Boob Woman called. "Do you know this man?"
"NO!" Carry shouted, betraying the fact that she wasn't a practicing superheroine by using only *one* exclamation mark!!!
"YOU'LL NEVER STOP ME!!" Stealer shouted, then threw all the memo pads out the window!!!!!
"GASP!" Boob Woman gasped!!
"ONLY I, CAPITAL LETTER MAN, MAY USE ALL CAPITAL LETTERS!!" someone new cried, bouncing out of the elevator!!!!
"Oh, not him again," Boob Woman groaned.
"YES!!! ME AGAIN!!!" Capital Letter Man announced. "AND STEALER, I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU!!!!! I WISH TO MAKE YOU MY PARTNER IN CRIME!!!"
"I don't think my wife would appreciate that," Stealer muttered.
"WELL, HOW ABOUT MY PARTNER IN THE OCCASIONAL EVIL ESCAPADE?"
"Sounds good!" Stealer answered, and then---!!!
They both dove out the window!!!!!
Boob Woman sighed, almost poking someone's eye out. "Carry, you let them ESCAPE!!!!"
Carry peeked up from behind the desk. "I don't know you I don't know you I don't know you I don't know you," she chanted.
Boob Woman sighed, knocking over a man who then tipped out the window. "You cannot deny your heritage. Carry, I am your cousin."
"NO!" Carry cried, clutching the chair. "It's not true!!"
"Come with me! Accept your destiny!!! Join me, and together we can rule the light of good as cousin and cousin!!!! Join the Good Force!!!!!"
"Never!!! NEVER!!!" Carry cried, and flung herself out the window.
"You know, a lot of people are falling out these windows," Teenage Boy nodded.
"Yes. I hope they're all right," Boob Woman added.
"DON'T WORRY," Capital Letter Man said, standing up. "WE'RE ON THE GROUND FLOOR!!"
"Later!" the Stealer cried, then laughed maniacally and ran off!!!!
"Look!" Carry cried, picking up the memos. "Here are our pads!!!"
"Aha!" Boob Woman shouted over the boos and hisses. "You used more than one exclamation mark! You ARE a Superheroine!!!"
Carry opened her mouth to respond, then screamed and ran after Stealer and Capital Letters Man.
"No matter," Boob Woman said, striking another Heroic Pose. "She'll come around."
Will Carry ever admit to being in the Boob family?????
Will the Stealer ever find something better to steal????
Will Capital Letters Man ever have more than a silly mini-sub-plot???
Will the people in the apartment mind that the BoobJet wrecked their homes??
Will the Stealer's towel ever get dirty?
All this and more, next time on . . .
Author's note: the story I used was a Boob Woman story written by Paul, and I LOVED it. I laughed my exclamation marks right off the page! Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven's point of view most certainly isn't mine! ;-D I'm working on getting Paul's permission to release it, so you may be able to read it.
Last note: Boob Woman, the Stupid Seven, and all the other characters I use here are copywrited to me, Jenna B. McDonald. Use them and be forced to write with exclamation marks for the rest of your life. Any resemblances to persons living or dead . . . is probably intentional. Laugh harder. :)