Thu, 20 Apr 2000
JB McDonald
Boob Woman #8: The Fashion Statement!

Posting this for JB -- send her oodles of feedback at mbsm@earthlink.net. :)

Maelstrom :)


There is a woman . . . not just any ordinary woman . . . but a. . .

BOOB WOMAN!!!!!!!!

Part# 8: Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven in,

The Fashion Statement!
Or, Good God, My Eyes! My Eyes!!!!!

 

It was a normal day in the Stupid Seven's Secret Headquarters. The television was playing. The teenagers were angsting. And the Incredible Dolt was howling.

"Boob Woman! You need to make me new briefs! The zipper in the front is too complicated! I keep hurting myself! I need zipper-less briefs!"

Teenage Boy looked slowly at Teenage Girl. "Did he really say what I think he just said?"

Teenage Girl nodded.

"This is *so* embarrassing." In true teenage fashion, Teenage Boy walked out of the room in utter humiliation.

"Now, Dolt," Boob Woman was saying in the other room, "just relax. I'll fix it. There! All done!"

The Incredible Dolt sighed in relief. "Thank you, Boob Woman. I almost had to dial 822 again!"

Boob Woman nodded solemnly. "Yes, I think it's time you and I got you some new briefs." That said, they set out to tackle one of the worst things ever! They went--to the Superhero's Clothing Store!

"Hello, Incredible Dolt!" the clothier said, grinning inanely as all clothiers had to do. "I have the perfect thing for you!!!"

"But wait!" Boob Woman cried. "We already know what we want!!"

"This!" the clothier said, pulling out a new mask. "It has Super-Hankies inside! So that if you're wearing your face mask and you sneeze, it's all right!"

"OOOOOHHHH," Boob Woman answered.

"Or this!" the clothier shouted, rummaging through giant piles of clothes. Grinning, he held up a new pair of red boots. "They absorb the shock when you land from three hundred feet or more!"

"What about if you jump from less than three hundred feet?" Dolt asked doubtfully. "What if you jump from two hundred and fifty feet?"

The clothier looked at him like he'd lost his mind. "Then bend your knees a lot when you land," he explained slowly.

Boob Woman rolled her eyes.

"And here is in case you shoot beams from your eyes! This screen makes them turn red!" The clothier winked broadly. "There are already quiet a few heroes who use these!"

"These would be perfect for Teenage Boy!" Boob Woman cried, striking a Heroic Pose even though it wasn't really needed.

"But he doesn't shoot beams from his eyes," Dolt pointed out.

"He might learn some day," Boob Woman responded.

"But this, Boob Woman," the clothier whispered, holding something close to his body. "This is the best. It's a secret outfit for women that automatically re-knits over certain body parts when it's torn!"

"Oooooh," Boob Woman oohed. "What parts would those be?"

"Hands and feet, of course!" the clothier responded.

"STOP!!!!!" A Evil Villainess voice shouted from the other end of the store. "I CANNOT ALLOW THIS TO GO ON ANY MORE!"

"WHY NOT?!" Boob Woman shouted back.

The woman ripped off her cloak, exposing . . .

 

A muumuu!

"BECAUSE I AM MUUMUU WOMAN! AND I SHALL ABOLISH ALL SKIMPY COSTUMES IN FEMALE PEOPLE!"

The store--which was suddenly crowded--gasped collectively (except for the Incredible Dolt, who was caught between Boob Woman and Muumuu Woman and could no longer hear anything at all).

"WHAT IS YOUR EVIL POWER, MUUMUU WOMAN?" Boob Woman shouted, thrusting her . . . acreage . . . outward. The crowd gasped again.

"YOU SHALL SEE!" MuuMuu Woman responded, and threw her muumuu at Boob Woman. Boob Woman cried out in horror as the muumuu grew in size, wrapping her up in its purple and yellow design.

"The yellow flowers!" Boob Woman screamed. "Oh, help me! I . . . can't . . . take . . . it!!!!!!!!"

"What?" the Incredible Dolt asked, still unable to hear.

"DON'T WORRY, BOOB WOMAN!" someone else standing near the Incredible Dolt shouted. "I'LL HELP YOU!" and with that, he attacked MuuMuu Woman!!!!!

MuuMuu Woman screeched as she was thrown across the room, her horrifying muumuu becoming disentangled with Boob Woman's voluptuous form. "Her dress was so horrible!" Boob Woman sobbed. "It disintegrated my clothing!" No one was really surprised: after all, that was one of a villain's main jobs.

"Here, Boob Woman! Wear this!" the clothier shouted, throwing her the Special Re-forming outfit.

"Thank you, clothier!" Boob Woman responded, then ducked behind a clothing rack to change. "If you'll all just stop fighting for a moment, I'd appreciate it," Boob Woman giggled.

MuuMuu Woman sighed and crossed her arms over her chest, looking impatient, while the mysterious helper politely looked away.

"THERE!" Boob Woman cried, leaping out from behind the clothes. "NOW I AM READY TO DO BATTLE!"

"I SHALL HELP YOU, BOOB WOMAN!" a man cried, leaping from inside the dressing rooms.

"WHO ARE YOU?!?!?!" Boob Woman gasped in true Heroine form.

"YOUR MALE COUNTERPART! COD MAN!"

"Fish?" the Incredible Dolt said, smiling. "Mmm. I'm hungry."

Boob Woman ignored the Dolt as he left the building to go find food. "COD MAN? WHAT IS THAT?"

"IT'S WHAT THEY WORE IN YE OLDEN DAYS," Cod Man replied. "SORT OF LIKE UNDERWEAR!"

"REALLY!?"

"REALLY!"

"OKAY, OKAY," MuuMuu Woman shouted. "LET'S GET ON WITH THE FIGHTING!"

"ENOUGH! ALL OF YOU!" another Villain cried, leaping between Cod Man and MuuMuu Woman. "FIRST, I AM CAPITAL LETTERS MAN! ONLY I MAY SPEAK IN CAPITAL LETTERS! SECOND, I'M STILL UNCLEAR ON WHAT A COD IS!"

Cod Man sighed as Boob Woman continued to strike dramatic poses.

"IT'S LIKE--" Cod Man started to say--only to be interrupted!!!!

"ONLY I AM ALLOWED TO TALK IN CAPITAL LETTERS!" Capital Letters Man shouted.

"Now that's not very fair," Boob Woman answered. "I think you should share!"

"NO!"

"YES!!!" MuuMuu Woman shrieked. "YOU'RE JUST KEEPING THE *WOMEN* FROM TALKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS!"

"NO!" Capital Letters Man protested. "IT'S ALL PEOPLE!"

"So, what is a cod?" Boob Woman asked, arching her back to better support her . . .weapons.

"Well, you know . . .it holds . . .it's like . . . "

"YOU CHAUVINIST!" MuuMuu Woman shrieked, and wrapped Capital Letters Man up in her evil purple and yellow muumuu!!!!!!

"A cod goes over your--"

"Wiener, anyone?" Dolt called, walking in sporting a hot-dog vendor. The vendor didn't look very happy, and kept protesting that he didn't have the hot-dogs unless he had his stand.

"I'LL KILL YOU!!!" MuuMuu Woman shouted.

{{{{GASP!!!!}}}} the crowd said.

Boob Woman gasped twice, so she could be heard, and many of the heroes were captivated by her . . . lungs. "MuuMuu Woman," Boob Woman said, using her Heroically Diplomatic Voice, "it's not nice to kill people. Think of the cute little munchkins in Oz! Would they want you to kill people?"

MuuMuu Woman's eyes started to tear up.

"And what about Billy, who died tragically when you were a young child and forced you into a life of crime? Would *he* want you to kill people?"

MuuMuu Woman started to sniffle.

"And what about the sister you have who is a hero? And your parents who died so long ago, scarring you for life? And lastly, think of the Comics Code Association. Would *they* want you to kill people?"

"I'M SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!" MuuMuu Woman bawled, sobbing on the clothier's shoulder.

"ONLY I CAN SPEAK IN CAPITAL LETTERS!" Capital Letter Man screamed.

"There, there," Boob Woman soothed MuuMuu Woman. "It's all right."

"That was amazing, Boob Woman!" Cod Man said. "How did you do that?"

"It's all part of being a Heroine," Boob Woman said, staring off into the distance. "Maybe someday, you too can learn to diffuse situations with no bloodshed."

Cod Man stared off into the distance also. "I hope so," he said breathily.

"She is ruining my shirt," the clothier muttered, looking at the sobbing MuuMuu Woman. "And she's contaminating the Superclothes with her horrible muumuu!!!!"

Boob Woman gasped and turned, knocking over an old woman as she did so. "GET HER OUT!" Boob Woman roared, grabbing MuuMuu Woman and tossing her out into the street, onto the sidewalk, where she slipped on a banana peel, careened into the street, hit a bicyclist and knocked him onto the sidewalk while staying the street herself, made it to the sidewalk without getting hit, was surprised by a dog and fell back into the street, where she was run over by a truck.

"Wow," Capital Letters Man muttered, forgetting to talk in capital letters. "I thought we couldn't kill anyone!"

"That is what happens when you lead a life of bad fashion," Boob Woman said, delivering the Message of the Hero. "Remember: only *you* can prevent fashion errors."

The Dolt nodded solemnly and shook the vendor, hoping for some hot-dogs to fall out.

 

EPILOGUE:

"MuuMuu Woman's body was never found, Boob Woman!" Lizard Tongue hissed, running into the library. He stopped suddenly, looking around at the people who were now staring at him. "I mean . . . Mild Mannered Flat Chested Librarian Woman Who Occasionally talks to Boob Woman!" Everyone went back to their books. "MuuMuu Woman's body was never found!!!!!"

Boob Woman looked grave. "Darn."

"Why do you say that?" Lizard Tongue asked.

Boob Woman continued to look very serious, managing also to look sultry, even though she was in her Mild Mannered Flat Chested Librarian Woman guise. "Because we're not allowed to say damn, and drat has been copywrited by the Villains."

"Ah," Lizard Tongue said, and glared off into the distance.

"We've not seen the last of MuuMuu Woman," Boob Woman predicted.

"Darn," Lizard Tongue agreed.

 

BWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBWBW

 

Will Boob Woman ever meet MuuMuu Woman again?????

Will we ever know what happened to Capital Letters Man????

Will the Incredible Dolt ever release the hot-dog vendor???

Will Boob Woman ever recover from the trauma of MuuMuu Woman's muumuu??

Will the clothier ever make a useful costume?

All this and more, next time on . . .

BOOB WOMAN AND THE STUPID SEVEN!!!!!!


PART9

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