|Mon, 20 Sep 1999
Pssst! There's an important message at the end of the tale! Be sure to read it!
Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven in:
Becoming A Hero!!
Once, there was a woman. Not just an ordinary woman, but a SUPER-WOMAN! She was the defender of the Flat Chested everywhere! Able to squash tall men in a single BOUNCE! She was . . .
Yes, we all know and love Boob Woman. She protects us, and our underclothing, with her ample sidekicks.
We refer, of course, to the Stupid Seven.
Now, it was as she sat in the Stupid Seven's headquarters that--
THEY GOT AN INCOMING CALL!!!
But wait! For that was not all! Oh no, that was not all!
For the phone was not busy--oh no, not at all!
The teens of the house, (we'll call them Teen One and Teen Two) were not on the phone--they'd left for the zoo!
And so Boob Woman answered the phone on the wall
And she said
"Secret School for Stupid Seven. How can we help you?"
For, of course, every Superhero Hide-Out has a front so that, no matter how many planes, jets, helicopters and bombs go near, and away, people never guess. A school was Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven's front. As of yet, no one had ever enrolled.
"I need to speak with--BOOB WOMAN."
An Expectant Silence descended. For--lo!--someone knew their secret!
"How did you know our secret?!" Boob Woman asked, striking a Heroic Pose even though she was on the phone and no one could see.
"I knew because--I too am a hero!!"
Boob Woman, of course, believed him. After all, he'd figured out her secret. "Who are you?"
TeenageBoy--who had chosen that moment to walk in the door--fainted dead away.
"Boob Woman," PantiLyner continued, "I need your help! My Evil Twin, ItchyPantiLyner, has stolen my sidekick, Tamponne!"
Boob Woman gasped. "No!"
"Quickly, PantiLyner!" Boob Woman said. "You must come here so we can plan!"
Just then the doors to that room opened, and there stood--
"How did you do that?!" Boob Woman cried, somehow managing to cry that and gasp at the same time.
"It is all in the technology!" PantiLyner said, waving around his pink cloak mysteriously.
"Hey, BW. I let some guy in a minute ago, just so you know," RadioActiveNoseHairMan said as he walked through.
"Damn," PantiLyner said from behind his cloak.
"Quickly! We must go to the--BOOBJET!" Boob Woman said, pointing out the door. Plan already made (for they were Superheroes and could do that without even speaking of it) they all raced for the BoobJet.
"TeenageGirl!" RadioActiveNoseHairMan shouted, "Get off the BoobTube and wake up TeenageBoy! We may need your help!"
With that the group of Heroes ran down to the hangar, only to find--
"Oh no!" Boob Woman cried, gasping. "We don't have enough seatbelts for PantiLyner!"
PantiLyner, however, was ready for just such an incident. Being a Superhero, he was always ready for any Incident that could possibly happen. "Don't worry," PantiLyner said, striking a Heroic Pose. "I am PantiLyner--With Wings!" And uttering this Heroic Pronouncement, wings spread from PantiLyner's back! PantiLyner smiled. "On days when I must go out, I even have a special scented costume!"
The Stupid Seven oohed and ahhed in envy.
Moments later the BoobJet could be seen in the air, its twin bombers cutting through the sky, the heroic PantiLyner With Wings flying quickly alongside.
Within mere moments they had reached another continent and the Villain's Hideout! They, of course, had a Special Edition Superhero Jet that could make them get from one continent to the other in less than the span of two panels, or one television scene. They were, after all, SUPERHEROES.
"It's a good thing PantiLyner With Wings knew where this hideout was," Boob Woman said as they stepped from the plane. "We might never have found it!"
"How did you know, PantiLyner With Wings?" RadioActiveNoseHairMan asked.
PantiLyner With Wings folded his wings, becoming once more only PantiLyner. "I just had a Feeling," PantiLyner said mysteriously. The group walked quietly into the building (the sound of their jet landing hadn't alerted anyone, since it was a Superhero Jet), passing under a brick wall and neon green sign that read "THE HIDEOUT OF ITCHYPANTILYNER."
"We must be quiet," PantiLyner whispered loudly, "or ItchyPantiLyner might hear us!"
"Ha ha!" cried an Ominous Voice from the shadows. "It is too late! I have you all now! For I set--A Trap!!"
Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven gasped--as suddenly!--
"We have you now!" one of the Henchmen cried as a group of them jumped out and captured Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven.
"You won't get away with this!" Boob Woman cried furiously as she was walked docilely off. "Your Evil Plan will never work!"
ItchyPantiLyner laughed loudly and twirled his Evil Mustache. "I already have, Boob Woman. I already have."
But wait! That is not all, oh no, that is no all!
For away across walls, Tamponne still stood too tall!
And Tamponne said,
"I can't let zis happen!" He paced back and forth, his time for Angsting over now that his mentor had been captured. After all, sidekicks weren't allowed to try and escape until that fateful moment when there was no hope of rescue.
"I know!" Tamponne said, his French accent thick. "I'll save zem!"
His plan thus formed, he stooped and used his rare--but often useful ability--to win over the hearts of mice using the Mice language and his own Sidekick Innocence-Slash-Loveability.
Swiftly, the mice ran off and did mice-things, until finally!!
"Ah! Ze door's opened!" Tamponne said. For, indeed, the mice had found some way to open the door and dispatch the guards!!!
"Now quickly!" Tamponne said, donning his hat with its tassel on a string, "find Boob Woman and ze Stupid Seven!" For, being a Sidekick, it was Tamponne's job to know just who had come for him, and what had happened to them even though the sidekick hadn't spoken with PantiLyner since his capture.
The mice led Tamponne down various halls until--finally!--he'd found where Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven were being held by the evil ItchyPantiLyner!!!!
"Tamponne!" Boob Woman shouted, knowing it was him even though they'd never met. "Quickly! The guards have all gone on lunch break, but we can't get out and ItchyPantiLyner has us trapped in a slow, easily escapable death!!!"
Tamponne gasped. "But what can I do?" he wailed unhappily. "I'm only alowly sidekick wiz school and girl problems whose sole job it is to remind ze hero of ze youth he is fighting for! Zat, and to get captured to give ze hero somezing to have to go after."
Boob Woman looked at her comrades uncertainly. "He's right," she proclaimed. "Now what do we do?!"
"Tamponne!" PantiLyner cried. "You must believe in yourself! I believe in you, Tamponne! It's time to become a--HERO!!!!"
"I can't do it!" Tamponne wailed. "I--being a common sidekick--don't believe in myself, and am having a crisis about fear, death, and other such zings!!!!"
"That's right!" Boob Woman cried, hopeful once more. "But you must believe in yourself, Tamponne!"
"But I am *French*!! You *know* how ze French are portrayed! I must give in and become a sniveling idiot!!!!!"
"No, Tamponne!" PantiLyner yelled, caught up in the Drama Of The Moment. "You are not controlled by what you are, but what you CHOOSE TO BE!!!!!"
Tamponne gasped with sudden realization, and quickly Saved The Day by opening the door!!
"Hurray for Tamponne!" Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven shouted as they leapt over the very slowly encroaching lava and onto the safe ground outside their cell.
"Yes," Tamponne said, striking a Heroic Pose for the very first time ever. "Now I am--A Hero!!"
"But not for long!" ItchyPantiLyner cried, appeared suddenly with a horde of Henchmen. He Cackled Evilly and aimed a large Death Ray (for SuperVillains weren't allowed to have guns--it would corrupt the minds of the Innocent) at Tamponne's head. "I shall disincorporate your head--complete with its white cap and foozle-on-a-string!"
Everyone gasped--except for Tamponne, who stood Heroically tall and proud. "You may try, ItchyPantiLyner," he said in a Heroically Deep Voice, "but nozing can scare me now."
ItchyPantiLyner leveled his Death Ray at Tamponne, taking careful aim (for he was, as all villains were, a horrible shot). But one look into the calm, composed, Heroic eyes of Tamponne, and he knew he couldn't hurt the Sidekick-now-Hero. Slowly he lowered his Death Ray, and swiftly Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven surrounded and caught ItchyPantiLyner and his horde of henchmen.
"Just wait, though, PantiLyner and Tamponne," ItchyPantiLyner snarled as he suddenly snapped out of the contemplation Tamponne had sent him into. "I'll get you yet!!!"
"Enough of that," Boob Woman said in her SuperHeroine Voice. "It's time to turn you over to the authorities."
They walked back outside, back to the BoobJet.
"Well, Boob Woman," PantiLyner said, putting his arm around Tamponne and facing the group. "I have you to thank. Now Tamponne and I must go back to our own place, for our country needs us."
Boob Woman nodded solemnly. "It was good meeting you, PantiLyner, Tamponne. I hope to see you again some time."
They all nodded solemnly, and then PantiLyner once more became PantiLyner With Wings. "Climb on, Tamponne," he offered. "I have Leak Protection, so that you may ride safely without falling off."
Tamponne smiled and climbed on PantiLyner's back, and they rose into the sky.
"I'll miss them," Boob Woman said, sighing. "Now, who has the controls for making the BoobJet visible?"
RadioActiveNoseHairMan cleared his throat nervously. "Well, I sorta left'em in the 'Jet. . . . "
Boob Woman sighed. "AGAIN?! Oh, fine. Everyone start wandering around and shout if you bump into the 'Jet! Here, Jettie Jettie Jettie. . . ."
Next Time, On Boob Woman!
--Will Boob Woman ever see Tamponne or PantiLyner again??
--Will the Stupid Seven ever find the BoobJet???
--Will RadioActiveNoseHairMan ever remember not to leave the controls in the Boob Jet????
--Will ItchyPantiLyner ever get his hands on Tamponne and PantiLyner again?????
All this and more, next time on
Credits (or blame): PantiLyner, ItchyPantiLyner and Tamponne were all created by the Subrealicon Crew. I just wrote it. <EG> PantiLyner With Wing was Older Sister's idea. Everything and everyone else belongs to me!! For the other Boob Woman stories, contact me. :) JBMcDragon
PS I have a new e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. My McDonald@ez2.net will be active for a little while still, but change your address book to the earthlink one! :)