|Whoo! This Boob Woman story is long. :) Seven whole pages . . . or
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OTL people: this started out as the response to a challenge to write a mutant with never-before-seen powers. *smiles* This had never before been seen, that's for sure!
To Maelstrom. You think you couldn't believe what I said in the *last* one? Heh. And to Kerri and her co-workers. Especially Richard. Oh My God? I can do that. *smile*
Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven in:
Episode V! The Return of Tiny Dick!
Once Upon A Time, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away, there was a really bad Star Wars rip-off. But along with that rip-off, there was a Protector Of The Innocent, a Conveyor Of Truth. And her name was . . .
Larger Than A Speeding Bullet!
But, our story opens not with this Protector of All Brassiere and Sports Apparel. It begins in a Super Villain Shady Area Bar, where the Unknown Villain Of The Month sat, nursing his beer. It had gone dead.
"I must get Boob Woman," he whispered to himself rather loudly, as SuperVillains were wont to do. It didn't matter how loudly he whispered though--the other Supervillains were too busy also whispering loudly to hear him. "I shall become her arch nemesis!"
Meanwhile, across The City and over The River, inside The Prison sat former henchman--Tiny Dick! At the moment, he was fielding questions and convincing his cell mates that really, his name meant *nothing.* They weren't believing him. They were too busy laughing. (They could laugh, since now he was no longer a Henchman.)
"It means NOTHING!" Tiny Dick wailed helplessly.
"Tiny Dick! If you fight alongside me, I shall re-name you!" called the Whispering SuperVillain Of The Month, who had amazingly made it all the way across The City, The River and to The Prison in only one paragraph. "But you must help me destroy--SunflowerSeedMan!"
The convicts all gasped. It was in The City's contract.
"Done!" Tiny Dick cried. "I'll do anything if you'll only give me a new name!"
Their contract thus closed, they left The Prison (there was remarkably little trouble from the police) and started their Evil Plotting. Now, as it may be too horrific for Young Readers to know what they said during this plotting, we shall move across The City once more to--The Library! Where Boob Woman was hidden in her disguise as an Ordinary, Flat Chested Librarian!
"Now, where do these books go?" she said quietly, since as a Librarian Woman she could not raise her voice.
"Quickly!" called a man, running Heroically into the room. "I must find The Flat Chested Librarian Woman who knows where Boob Woman is!"
Used to such proclamations, the other Librarian woman (who was really a Supervillain in training, but no one knew that) pointed out Boob Woman. "Boob Woman," said Radio Active Nose Hair Man as he ran over. "I mean, can you tell Boob Woman that we have a Problem?"
"Just a moment," Boob Woman said before announcing, loudly "I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. I WILL RETURN LATER," and disappearing into the women's room. Moments later Boob Woman emerged, striking a Heroic Pose and striding over to where Radio Active Nose Hair Man was.
"What is it, Radio Active Nose Hair Man?" Boob Woman asked.
"It's Fifi." Solemnly, Radio Active Nose Hair Man held out Lizard Tongue's cat, who lay sick in his arms.
"What happened?" cried Boob Woman, protector of the small chested everywhere.
"He . . . he . . ." Radio Active Nose Hair man bit his fist in an effort not to sob--he was, after all, a nineties kinda guy. "He ate spoiled ham and cheese!"
"He ate Spoiled Ham And Cheese?!" Boob Woman gasped, thinking of their newest almost-member.
"No, no. He ate spoiled ham and cheese!"
"Ah." Being a super heroine, she was able to tell the difference between capitalized words and non-capitalized words. "We must take Fifi to the emergency room, now! Before it's too late!"
With heroic motions they leapt on the horses they kept conveniently nearby and galloped out the door, Fifi in Radio Active Nose Hair Man's arms.
"HURRY! The Bridge!" Boob Woman shouted, motioning to the bridge ahead which had taken just that moment to lift to let a barge pass.
"Don't worry!" Radio Active Nose Hair Man shouted, vaulting from his horse onto a passing motorcyclist. The motorcyclist was kind enough to fall off his motorcycle with a scream, and Radio Active Nose Hair Man raced to the edge of the lifting bridge. The motorcycle flew through the air, and would have crashed on the other side if it hadn't been for the car there that he landed on. "Thank you!" Radio Active Nose Hair Man shouted through their broken windshield as he raced away.
Boob Woman, still on her now-sweaty horse, leapt over the gap between sides and flew through the air. She was unable to keep her seat as her horse slid down the other side, but, luckily, a bicyclist broke her fall. Quickly she took the bicycle and pedaled away.
Of course, being Heroes, they had to cross the train tracks before they could get to the vet, and the train was Just Starting!!!!
Radio Active Nose Hair Man used his borrowed motorcycle and raced across the tracks before it was too late. Boob Woman was not so lucky, though. But all was not lost--for she was a SuperHeroine! She pedaled as fast as she could, catching up with the train and swinging on! She ran across the top of the caboose, excusing herself for running between the Heroes who were having a shoot-out with some Villains, and made a daring leap across the other side! She would have crashed to the ground if a convertible had not been racing along with its top down just then. Luckily, she landed on the plush seats and they drove her to the vet, where Radio Active Nose Hair Man had already registered Fifi.
"TOO LATE!" An Evil Voice cried from the office.
The room at large gasped.
"I have taken over all the evil SunflowerSeedMan's businesses, and I am taking over this vet's office so you can't treat Fifi!!!"
Boob Woman stepped forward bravely. "And who are you?" she shouted.
The Whispering Breaking Out Henchmen SuperVillain Of The Month stepped forward. "I am . . . David Coppafeel!"
There was a large gasp throughout the room.
Boob Woman stumbled back a few steps, stricken.
"And you may recognize my new sidekick. . . ."
Slowly a familiar figure stepped from the suddenly shadowed area.
"Why it's . . . it's . . . "
"Tiny Dick!" Boob Woman cried, barely managing to suppress a laugh.
"Not anymore!" Tiny Dick cried triumphantly. "Now I'm . . . 'OhMyGodMan!'"
Boob Woman and Radio Active Nose Hair Man exchanged Looks.
"As in there are three sizes!" OhMyGodMan continued.
"Right," Boob Woman cut in. "Large, medium and--" with disgust and horror "--OhMy*God*! What *happened?!*"
OhMyGodMan's face fell. "No! I mean--there *are* three sizes but those aren't--"
"Medium, small and OhMyGod?" Radio Active Nose Hair man asked innocently.
"Yes! Only, wait, not in that order. . . ."
"I know!" cried MoleHillMan, who was there with his mole, Fluffers.
"OhMyGod, small, and medium!"
"No!" yelled OhMyGodMan. "That's not it at all! It's really *big*!!" he started to cry, jumping up and down slightly.
"Enough of this," David Coppafeel said testily. "Boob Woman, I have taken over all of SunFlowerSeedMan's things, and now I am your arch nemesis!"
"You know, for someone called MoleHillMan you sure are cocky!"
MoleHillMan smiled. "Yes. Yes, I am . . . cocky." He smiled his SuperHero Grin, white teeth flashing.
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"
"Is this whole story going to be taken up with you ranting?" David Coppafeel snapped.
"He's being a . . . " OhMyGodMan thought carefully before speaking.
"Dork! Ha! You can't make anything out of *that*!"
MoleHillMan was still beaming.
"What?!" OhMyGodMan snarled. "What is so good about your name!?"
"You know what they say," MoleHillMan said. "A MoleHill is like a mountain."
"That's not the saying!" OhMyGodMan shrieked. "It's, 'making a mountain out of a mole hill'!"
"Well, not to brag . . ." MoleHillMan started.
"*ENOUGH*!" David Coppafeel shouted. "If we're going to talk about *anyone's* name it'll be MINE!"
"All right, then," MoleHillMan asked. "What's so good about your name?"
"Well, first off it's--waitaminute! We're supposed to be fighting!
Don't you know supervillains fight? I *am* Boob Woman's arch nemesis, and I want to make sure she knows that!"
"All right already, I know it," Boob Woman sighed. "I suppose it was only a matter of time before I had an arch nemesis named David Coppafeel."
"And now, my evil plot!" David Coppafeel shouted, rubbing his hands together evilly. "No one shall see the vet--ever!!" Saying thus, he started to laugh maniacally.
Boob Woman just looked at him. "You're going to make me fight you over *that*?"
David Coppafeel nodded, grinning.
Henceforth, a fight ensued. It was a large fight, fought in and around the vet checking on his other patients. Much furniture was broken, and all the dog food stands were knocked down. In general, it was little better than pro wrestling. Yes, good readers, I'm afraid it was *that* horrific.
It may never have ended, if something truly tragic hadn't happened. "Oh, waitaminute!" Boob Woman shouted, extricating herself from David Coppafeel. "Fifi has to go peepee." She picked the cat up and looked expectantly at David Coppafeel, who thought that his name could not be said often enough.
"So?" David Coppafeel asked.
"Well, we can't let her go peepee until she sees the vet. If you've not going to let her see him, I'd like you to hold her for me."
David Coppafeel eyed the cat. "I don't think so," he said at last.
"Then we'll have to see the vet."
David Coppafeel said something very unsuitable for younger listeners, and some of the parents had to cover their children's ears. Coppafeel apologized instantly. "Well," he said at last, "how about I concede defeat, make some Supervillain speech, and we'll call it a day?"
"Sounds good," Boob Woman nodded.
"Wait a second!" OhMyGodMan shouted. "What about me?"
"What about you?" Boob Woman asked.
"I never made you understand what my name *really* meant!"
"Sure you did. Three sizes, blah blah blah. Now get on with the speech."
David Coppafeel glared OhMyGodMan into silence, then wrapped his cape around him dramatically. "You may have won this day, Boob Woman," he shouted. "But I'll triumph--"
"Um, she really has to peepee," Boob Woman interrupted.
"Oh, fine. Go ahead. I'll see you sometime within the month."
Boob Woman nodded and headed into the vet's office, cat held in outstretched arms.
"Well *that* was anti-climatic," OhMyGodMan snapped to David Coppafeel.
"Don't worry, OhMyGodMan," David Coppafeel said suspiciously. "We'll have our day . . . oh, yes. Our day will come." They watched the sun set evilly, and then, in the darkness, David Coppafeel turned to OhMyGodMan.
"Want a cappuccino?"
"I'm dying for one."
"Oh, good. I believe there's an Ahabs Coffeeshop around here somewhere. Boob Woman nodded and headed into the vet's office, cat held in outstretched arms.