|Wed, 28 Apr 1999
"J B McDonald" <email@example.com>
Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven 4
DISCLAIMER: all these characters belong to me. Easy, no?
This story is dedicated to Kerri and her co-workers. You guys made me happy for a week. ;) JBMcDragon
Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven 4
Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven in
. . . The Tale of Miniature Richard!
At a bar in The City sat
Protector of the large chested everywhere! Able to squash tall men in a single bounce!
She, of course, was not drinking alcoholic beverages. She was only sitting there because it was convenient for the story. Besides, alcoholic beverages made her sag.
Just then, out of NOWHERE, (well, okay, from behind her) came a TALL, LARGE, *HANDSOME* man!
"Hey, there baby," he said, sitting next to her. "That's some acreage y ou got there. Mind if I . . . fluff your pillows?"
Three minutes and thirty-four seconds later, the same man stumbled out o f the bar appropriately squashed.
MEANWHILE, in A Land Not Far Away . . .
The evil Sunflower Seed Man sat in front of his television, sniffling.
"Quickly, Little John," Errol Flynn said, "This way!"
Sunflower Seed Man blew his nose loudly and wailed. "This is my favorit e movie!" he cried so loudly he almost missed the Evil Chiming of his front door. He pushed stop and quickly went to the door, opening it with a scowl on his face.
"Who are you and how did you find me?" he said in an Evil Voice.
The tall handsome man from the bar stood there. "I'm Richard. I found you by checking the Bad Guy Yellow Pages. You were listed under 'Boob Woman's Arch Enemy."
"Oh, yes, that's true," Sunflower Seed Man said, nodding.
" . . . are you crying?" Richard asked after a moment.
"Ah, no, some fluffy elixir got into my eyes."
"Fluffy elixir?" Richard asked.
"It's like Fluffy Fairy."
Richard looked at him blankly.
"That's like Fairy Dirt."
Another blank look.
"Which, in turn, is like Rabbit Dirt. And that's like Dust Bunnies."
Richard nodded in sudden understanding.
"Now, why are you here?"
A Theme Song started to play as clouds suddenly covered the sky. "Boob Woman has embarrassed me, and I must Seek My Revenge!!"
"Ah! Well, in that case, you'll need a codename!" Sunflower Seed Man said, rubbing his hands together evilly. "What did you say your name was?"
"Richard. Or Rich, Dick, you know, anything like tha--"
"Tiny Dick!" Sunflower Seed Man shouted happily.
Richard's face paled. "I'm sorry?"
"Just like in Robin Hood! You'll be my trusty sidekick, Tiny Dick! You
know, like Little John? Tiny Dick?"
Richard swallowed noisily. "How about Tiny Rich?"
"No, no, it's already set," Sunflower Seed Man said cheerfully, shaking Tiny Dick's hand. "Tiny Dick it is!!! Now, I just happen to know that there's a Boob Woman convention soon, we should attack her there. . . ."
AND SO, NOT TO MUCH LONGER LATER (though long enough for Tiny Dick to ge t a costume and Sunflower Seed Man to watch the rest of Robin Hood and Boob Woman to get out of the bar). . . .
"Boob Woman!" Incredible Dolt shouted, lumbering toward her. "The convention is starting without you! The fans want you to make a speech!!"
Boob Woman walked into the room that was filled to bursting with other women dressed similarly.
"Balloon Woman!" Boob Woman shouted, seeing an old friend. "So good to see you!"
Balloon Woman smiled and waved back, then had to grab to make sure . . .
well, the comics code isn't happy with telling what happened, so we'll stop.
Boob Woman ascended the stage, picking up the microphone off its stand.
"Hello, everyone!" she said loudly. The microphone squealed.
"Heh, just a moment please," she said, putting it back on its stand. Bu t then she had to lean over to speak into it, and her bra really was a size too small. She stood back up. Someone hurried up to help her, but Boob Woman graciously waved them away. She took the microphone out of its holder and fastened it securely in her cleavage, where it held. She smiled and started talking.
In the corner, Teenage Girl sighed with much Angst in her voice. "I *hate* looking normal," she wailed to no one in particular. "I wish I could be abnormal like everyone else!"
At just That Moment a wall caved in, and there stood . . .
SUNFLOWER SEED MAN!!!
The entire crowd gasped, as all crowds in The City had a tendency to do.
"No one will stop me now!" Sunflower Seed Man cried. "I have a Secret Weapon!"
The Secret Weapon store had opened back up just for him, though the owne r was also at the Boob Woman convention.
"And while I make my Secret Weapon work--during which time, though it takes a while to set up, no one will attack me--my evil Sidekick, Tiny Dick will keep you from stopping me!!!!"
The room was silent.
"Did he just say 'Tiny Dick'?" Mole Hill Man asked Avalanche Woman. Avalanche Woman started to snicker.
"No!" Tiny Dick whined. "It's just a name! It doesn't really mean *anything*!!"
The snickering grew louder.
"No, *really*. It's like 'Little John.' You know, Tiny Dick!"
"I'm sure," Tennis Ball Woman said from the back of the crowd.
"It's really big! I swear! Look, I'll show you!!!"
"By the Comics' Code!" Ant Hill Woman gasped as Tiny Dick started to do something a minor would not be allowed to see. "What will we do???"
Boob Woman started toward him, only to find that the cord on the microphone had her hooked! The microphone was stuck so well in her cleavage she couldn't get it loose!!!!!
Pebble Woman was the closest to Tiny Dick, but was unable to do anything
because she was laughing too hard.
"Incredible Dolt!" Boob Woman shouted in her Super Heroine Voice. "Do something!!!!!!!"
Incredible Dolt nodded and started forward, but couldn't stand the thoug ht of seeing The Horror Of The Comics' Code and so had to retreat.
"Look, it's really big," Tiny Dick was saying as he tried to figure out how the pants of his new Super Villain outfit worked.
"Wait! I've got it!" Boulder Woman cried at last, heaving her chest around and knocking Tiny Dick to the floor. "Now!"
With that the other Women and Men attacked Tiny Dick and Sunflower Seed Man, tickling (for true Heroes and Heroines did not beat) Tiny Dick for his horrible threat mercilessly.
"Blast it!" Sunflower Seed Man said, retreating. He had used the Super Villain Convenience to get out of the crowd, and was now using a convenient Old Woman for cover. "The plan would have worked if it hadn't been for those darn--"
"Sunflower Seed Man!" Pebble Woman bellowed. "Don't say it! That's a copyright infringement!!!!"
Sunflower Seed Man scowled. "Foiled again!" he finally shouted, leaping
into a boat that just happened to have keys in it, and just happened to be in a bay which just happened to be nearby and speeding away without a thought for Tiny Dick. He could always get a new sidekick.
"One of these days," he Muttered Evilly, his boat just happening to be o ne equipped with underwater capabilities, "I'll defeat that Boob Woman and her Stupid Seven!" Laughing Maniacally, he went underwater. After hacking the water out of his lungs, he steered the boat to his Secret Passage he had spent three weeks and two hundred men installing, and then into his Secret Lair. "One of these days . . ." he muttered as the lights went out in horrible imitation of a spooky fade-out.
NEXT TIME ON BOOB WOMAN AND THE STUPID SEVEN!!!
--Will we find out what happened with Tiny Dick???
--Will we see how high his therapy bills were after being called Tiny Dick???
--Will Teenage Girl ever be abnormal just like everyone else???
--Will The Incredible Dolt ever get the mental image of Tiny Dick out of
--Will Boob Woman get the microphone out of her cleavage???
All this and more, next time on
BOOB WOMAN AND THE STUPID SEVEN!!!!!!!