|Sun, 18 Apr 1999
"J B McDonald" <email@example.com>
Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven 3!
Everyone in this story belongs to me, JBMcDragon. This was originally in response to a challenge to write about mutants with never before seen powers. Now it's a series in response to that challenge. Feedback will be loved, cherished and given a pedestal on which to sit. Flames will be laughed at and utterly humiliated.
Boob Woman and the Stupid Seven in:
The Epic of the Rain-Green-Belt!!!!!!
This is the story of a single woman (and her team of seven).
Protector of the large chested! Able to stop evil doers in a single bounce!
She is . . .
Our story today begins with a ravaged cry . . .
"I am BOOB WOMAN! I will triumph over all evil!" Boob Woman stopped and looked down at the child looking at her like she'd lost it. "I mean, yes, I'll help you find that book because I'm a meek, mild mannered, flat chested librarian and that is what I do. Not fight crime in spandex using the moniker BOOB WOMAN!!!"
Luckily for Boob Woman this boy lived in The City and all the residents of The City were bound by law and common gullibility to believe people when they said they weren't heroes or villains, even though those people might be wearing brightly colored spandex.
"Boob Woman!" the Incredible Dolt, Boob Woman's husband, cried, running in. "I mean, Flat-Chested-Librarian-Woman-Who-Might-Know-Where-Boob-Woman-Is! We have to hurry! I just found out the evil Sunflower Seed Man is trying to chop down the rain-green-belt on Central Lane!"
Boob Woman gasped in horror, then whispered loudly "I'll be right there! "
The Incredible Dolt nodded and raced off, leaping heroically down the stairs and using a handy trash can lid to keep an old woman from running into him.
Boob Woman ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Seconds later she slammed out again, dressed in full regalia. "I am BOOB WOMAN, PROTECTOR OF THE LARGE CHESTED EVERYWHERE!!!" She stopped and glanced at the people standing and staring at her. "The Flat-Chested-Librarian-Woman will be out shortly," she said. The people nodded and went back to what they were doing as Boob Woman charged out the doors. She quickly stopped to help the old woman across the street before racing away. The old woman sighed and started to go back to where she'd been before.
"STOP, EVIL DOER!' Boob Woman shouted as she reached the rain-green-belt .
"It's horrible, Boob Woman," Radio Active Nose Hair Man cried. "He's seeding the rain-green-belt with *sunflowers*!"
Boob Woman gasped in horror.
"Like, and with the trees he's cutting down he's, like, building a spa!"
Teenage Boy gawfawed.
Boob Woman gasped in horror again. (It inflated her chest very nicely.)
"And we can do nothing!" Radio Active Nose Hair Man cried. "He has that Teenage Girl hostage!!"
Teenage Girl, at the mention of her name, screamed horrifically.
Teenage Boy was immediately struck by her helpless teenage beauty mixed with his hormones, and he was paralyzed, drooling. Teenage Girl was, of course, disgusted and promptly said something censored. This did not faze Teenage Boy, who continued to drool.
"HA HA HA HA!" Sunflower Seed Man 'ha'd. "This time my plan is fool proof! You see, I shall use Teenage Girl to ensnare Teenage Boy so that he cannot defeat me again, while the prettiness of my fast-growing sunflowers will boggle the Incredible Dolt's mind, rendering him helpless! While they are rendered helpless my Minions shall capture Radio Active Nose Hair Man and Boob Woman will be unable to defeat me herself, thus letting me make my spa, which will ensnare her with its warmth, and then, without Boob Woman to stop me, I shall be able to ruin the market for large chested women everywhere, and they shall be forced to run about bra-less!!"
"Boob Woman!" Radio Active Nose Hair Man cried. "We're doomed! He's right! His plan *is* fool-proof!!!"
"Not quite," Boob Woman said, taking a Heroic Stance. "You see, you forgot one little thing, Sunflower Seed Man!"
"Oh?" he said evilly.
"You're not supposed to reveal your vile and villainous scheme until *after* we're caught! Now the Villains' Police will come after you, so I shan't even be forced to take action!"
"By the Comic's Code! You're right!!!!" He looked about quickly, seeing if the Villain's Police were there yet. "Drat you," he said venomously. "I've been foiled this time, but you will not always win, Boob Woman!" he cried as his Evil Escape Plan went into action and a convenient Hello-Copter came into view. He grabbed the ladder and started to fly upward, laughing maniacally.
"Stop him, Boob Woman!" someone shouted from the crowd that had suddenly and mysteriously developed.
"Have no fear!" she said, running in her spike heels to where he was. "He'll not escape me!" She leapt upward and grabbed the bottom of the ladder, pulling herself up. "You'll not escape this time, Evil Fiend!"
Sunflower Seed Man cackled evilly. "I will! For you see, Boob Woman, this just happens to be the world's fastest Hello-Copter and we are already over the mountains!!!" He cackled yet again and said "Now it's a Good bye-Copter!"
"Evil doer!" Boob Woman cried as Sunflower Seed Man cut the rope to the ladder. "How dare you make such bad puns?! I thought even you would not be so cruel!"
"You underestimate my cruelty, Boob Woman! Now, I shall leave you to starve!!" And with that the ladder was cut!!!
Luckily for Boob Woman, she landed on a passing jet. "Follow that Hello-Copter!" she shouted, holding on tightly to the top of the plane.
"We can't!" they cried back, able to hear her over the wind shear and layers upon layers of metal. "We're almost out of gas!!"
Ten minutes later Boob Woman landed back in The City.
"Boob Woman!" a bystander cried. "Are you all right?!"
"Never fear," Boob Woman said, taking a Heroic Stance on top of the jet.
"Good will always triumph. But this day, this day Evil escaped." Boob Woman looked mournfully into the distance as the crowd "ohhh"ed sadly.
"But I got a girlfriend!" Teenage Boy shouted, looking adoringly at Teenage Girl, who had been cut down from her hostage rope.
"YAY!" the crowd shouted happily.
Teenage girl sighed and rolled her eyes. "Like, I never said I would be your girlfriend!"
The crowd "ohhh"ed sadly.
"Perhaps, Teenage Girl, you could be conveniently an orphan and so come to live with us in the Stupid Tower?" Boob Woman suggested.
The crowd "ahhh"ed happily.
"Well, I am an orphan and it was very traumatic, so I'll have to angst quite a bit," Teenage Girl said.
The crowd "ohhh"ed sadly.
"But I think I could live with you," Teenage Girl finished.
The crowd "ohhh"ed happily.
"Yay!" Teenage Boy cried. "Now I have someone to backtalk and angst with! This is truly a happy day. Uh, I mean, 'like, okay?'"
"Yes," Boob Woman said, once more striking the Heroic Stance. "Yes, it has indeed been a happy day. Except when it has not."
The crowd cheered.
Next time, on BOOB WOMAN AND THE STUPID SEVEN!:
--Will we ever learn where that jet was going with no fuel??
--Will Teenage Girl ever accept Teenage Boy's love???
--Will Teenage Boy ever stop trying to snort peas out of his nose farther than the Incredible Dolt can????
--Will Sunflower Seed Man return?????
--Will we find out what happened to Herbert??????
--Will the people at the library ever notice that the Flat-Chested-Library-Woman never came out of the bathroom???????
--Will the people at the library get worried and go in after her????????
All this and more on the next: BOOB WOMAN AND THE STUPID SEVEN!!