Me Laughing At YouHa Ha Ha. Silly you.

Since this page is about me, I'll try and spruce it up a bit with the actual real honest to goodness facts. In case you didn't guess, that's me to the left. I looked pained because cameras give off evil toxic death rays to which I'm highly allergic.

The only interesting things here are the complete and utter lies I tell about my reality. This is not to say that I don't live in the real world, only it's a bit dull and has a foregone conclusion involving finite organic beings. In a nutshell, I went to college and it was difficult, got a job, came here, got a different job and now I'm just a horrible tease.

BabyThat's a picture of me as an infant. As you can see, my habits of pointedly ignoring anyone around me while attempting to sleep had their origin early.Note that I am being kidnapped by an unknown person. Due to the fact I was looking away, I was unable to blast them to smithereens with my killer optic rays.

Me And SwanOver to the right is an extremely rare photograph taken while I was in captivity of alien invaders. These invaders often dressed me in inflatable clothing and supplied me with either hockey pucks or pieces of bread. Either way, I was renown for throwing these objects with great force at large avians. Note the malicious expression on my face.

There is great controversy as to whether I was taken to the Siberian Plains, Area 54 or a Public Park. Unfortunately, no conclusive evidence remains as all documentation was destroyed and the site razed to the ground.

My FamilyThis is my former human family. Since I'm actually 243 years old, this photograph is from about 1887. The large mass behind the grouping is not, in fact, a magnolia tree, but the under-fringe of an organic alien spacecraft.

This group of individuals daily exhibited strange and exuberant rituals and behavioral relationship systems. They were often loud and highly expressive, though they expressed a highly solitary behavior by periodically enclosing themselves in small cubic spaces.

As a general rule, we don't get along.

My BrotherThis particular individual was the youngest of the family group, though we acquired him from our alien hosts well into the physiological development of myself.

He displayed what I learned was classically boisterous behavior and reckless expressions of individuality while assimilating to his native hierarchal structure.

I believe that he was superficially aware of my true, alien, nature and would often eye me suspiciously when I did such routine things as levitate objects and reshape reality to my own interests. I believe he may be indoctrinating the younger entity who I'm told is my 'cousin'.

Since then, I've substituted an online life in place of reality. Occasionally, I lure online people into my dwelling. I've trapped one male named Keith whom I keep available as slave labor. The human female, who routinely changes her identity to facilitate her life as a secret super spy, is named Karen. They are demonstrating the unique sexual positions available to plastic action figures.

The mysterious black blob is a cat.

Nefarious CatsFinally we come to the alien monitoring devices. Many people, including talented biologists, believe these "creatures" are of mammalian feline origin.

They are in fact highly adapted cybernetic data collection devices. Often, they will mimic a range of "expected" behaviors such as sleeping, displays of affection, illness, stupidity and violence.

If you have one of these in your home, there may be an alien clone like myself somewhere nearby.