A Typical Day at CMU for a Normal Student
Karolina K. Phillips
7:30 am Strange smell and rumbling noises temporarily wake oneself. Rhythmic tramping noises reveal themselves at a herd of ROTC singing "Mom and dad were lying bed/ Mom got on dad and gave him head. . . . "
8:28 am Wake up in time to make a mad dash to class.
8:31 am Fall asleep in Calc II recitation.
9:19 am Loud repetitive vibrations wake oneself. Find puddle of drool on desk. Notes saturated and must be disposed of.
9:20 am Stagger to Physics.
10:20 am Fall out of chair. Wake up.
10:30 am Go to Cyert computer cluster. It is full. Go to Baker cluster. It is full. Got to Wean. Get lost. Find cluster. Touch computer screen to adjust the angle. Computer crashes.
12:00 pm Missed lunch because oneself spent 1 1/2 hours in Wean.
12:05 pm Attempt to exit Wean. Find self on Doherty Hall roof. Find randomly placed wooden stairs and go back inside.
12:07 pm Notice radiation burns on hands obtained while in the basement of Wean. Probably from opening doors marked "Caution, Radiation."
12:28 pm Go to Doherty bathroom. If male, realize mistake and leave. If female, entertain oneself with "Mirrors of Infinite Regression". Spit out window on students going through front door below.
1:30 pm Eat lunch with friends in Highlander. Lunch consists of gray stir fry noodles with carrots, pizza with carrots, dried out stale fish and phallic sausage. . . with carrots.
1:45 pm Eat peanut butter cheesecake. Error. Spit out cheesecake when proves to be inedible "food product". On the positive side, it possesses high entertainment value as an adhesive. Clocked at 2 minutes 42 seconds holding time between spoon and plate.
1:48 pm Cheesecake is mashed together with carrots.
1:50 pm Glass of soda explodes due to high infusion of salt. Soda and cake mix to form a new chemical compound. Attempt to eat ice cream instead but only flavors are Blazing white, Flaming orange, Lime green and Neon Pink.
2:15 pm Go to Mech E. Professor asks students to explain the mechanical advantages of a rubber band, nail clipper and cucumber.
2:17 pm Drop pen. Miss homework assignment. Drop pen. Teacher switches to Latin. Drop pen. . . .
2:45 pm Wake up. Wipe off desk when teacher is not looking. Drop pen. . . .
3:00 pm Break, free time.
3:01 pm Class resumes. Give up. Drool some more. Drop pen. . . .
3:21 pm Rush to nearest computer cluster. Forget password. Computer laughs at oneself.
3:54 pm Remember password.
3:55 pm Discover that Physics homework formerly due Friday was due 3:00 pm today.
3:56 pm Cruise the Net.
6:00 pm Notice time. Run back to dorm. Find note on bulletin board from friends saying that they've already gone to dinner.
6:07 pm Scramble back to Highlander. Line extends downstairs. Get stuck beside aromatic dumpsters behind Donner Hall. Make mistake of looking at Donner. Become ill.
6:45 pm Get inside Highlander.
6:45.5 pm Friends leave.
6:50 pm Start eating dinner. Cannot identify contents. Mash together and throw bits over balcony until Dutiful Dot yells at oneself. Build tower out of cups, knives, glasses, and unidentified gray chunks. Leave plate on table.
7:03 pm Creep downstairs, liberating plate in process.
7:27 pm Go to dorm. Open door to discover roommate in a PDA with unknown partner. Choke. Gag. Leave room.
7:28 pm Seek sanctuary in friend's room.
7:29 pm Sleep in friend's bed (alone).
11:34 pm Wake up due to strange rhythmic noises emitted from next floor. Suspicious.
11:36 pm RA goes upstairs to investigate.
11:38 pm RA returns and explains that noises emitted by quartet of smelly, half-dressed boys playing basketball.
11:39 pm Feel like an idiot. Get angry.
11:44 pm Start homework.
11:46 pm Give up.
11:47 pm Socialize with friends. Discuss food, ballroom dancing, roommates, and "self love".
3:14 am Go take a shower.
3:16 am While in shower, someone drops soap. Soap rockets across bathroom floor. Oneself steps on it an lands on moldy floor. Promptly attacked by vicious HAIR RAT!!!!! SCREAM. . . .
3:17 am Other occupants help beat hair rat down with shampoo bottle.
3:18 am Stop screaming.
3:19 am Hair rat clogs drain. Lake forms. Swish, swish, splash. . . .
3:21 am Lower floor complains about leaks.
3:22 am Native floor denies any and all knowledge.
3:30 am Decide to go to MMP cluster.
3:33 am Thunderstorm begins. Notice suspicious figure following oneself. Run. Sprain ankle. Stagger. Cannot reach convenient emergency phone. Correction, cannot see emergency phone.
3:40 am Suddenly vicious bush finches of campus variety attack apparent mugger. They eat him.
4:21 am Roommate's companion accidentally steps on oneself because oneself has fallen off bed.
6:09 am "STEP AWAY FROM THE CAR OR THE ALARM WILL SOUND!!!!"
6:11 am "WHOOOOP, WHOOOOOP, WHOOOOP, WHOOOOOP, WHOOOOP, WHOOOOOP, WHOOOOP, WHOOOOOP. . . !"
6:41 am "WHOOOOP, WHOOOOOP, WHOOOOP, WHOOOOOP, WHOOOOP, WHOOOOOP, WHOOOOP, WHOOOOOP. . . !"
6:50 am Go to sleep.